Monday, September 18, 2006

Obsession That Won't Go Away

Today is the day I'm not going to think about:

1.) the fact that I have dreamed about the mountains for ten consecutive days.

2.) the fact that I'm very unhappy here and it's not my life in general, but where I live.

3.) the fact that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Okay, here's the deal. I never should have gone to the Smokies. This was my third trip in four years, and this time was the worst. I didn't want to leave.

I am obsessed with the mountains, but the Smokies in particular. Although it's not the fact that I lived there, or even know anyone there, but the fact that there is an inner calling that is killing me.

I told BF I dreamed about the mountains again and he nearly blew up, "If you want to go to the mountains, then go. I'm staying right here."

Great.

But, it didn't bother me. If I went, he'd drag his sorry ass with me, 'cause that's the way he is.

You know...if I had one wish, I'd have that cabin in the Smokies. I'd watch the trees turn their shades or reds, oranges and yellows off my deck while sipping on a nice, hot cup of coffee. I'd sit there and think about how beautiful life was around me, and that no matter what else happened in the world, this was my oasis. My paradise. My rejuvenating spot.

I sat on the deck of the cabin I rented a little more than a week ago. I sat there with my cup of coffee and nothing but the wondrous hills stretched as far as you could see. If you could just imagine the power it gave me inside. It took all my stresses and just tossed them over the horizon.

It allowed me to really think about what I wanted out of life, and then that last day when I had to leave it, I mourned for it before I even stepped out the door.

The kids and I packed slowly. Each one of us took our personal glimpse of the Smokies off that deck and each one of us said our own special good-byes. Every one of us had our reasons for not wanting to leave.

It was heart-breaking. It wasn't because it was the end of vacation. It was because it was the end of a life we wish we had.

So, I get up now and close the window to the traffic just feet from my front door. I close it because I don't want it to get in and kill this wonderful feeling of being in the Smokies again.

7 comments:

  1. "I never should have gone to the Smokies."

    Wash your mouth out with soap, Dot! Don't ever say that. Don't deny your dreams. Yeah, you might have to stay put for a bit. Yeah, you might have to be a bit more judicious about what you say when and to whom. But don't give up on it. Don't say you never should have gone.

    Don't deny yourself.

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  2. Omg..you posted the same time I posted the link to the blog in my group...talk about being in synch! Tears came to my eyes when I read what you wrote. You are right. I discussed this with BF...even if I have to go out first and see if I can make a go of it, I really think this is what I need to do.

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  3. You are getting closer to when you can retire. Maybe if you make moving there a goal for when you retire & start making your plans now, it can happen sooner than you think. Be where your best job is now, then go to the other location when you retire. In the meantime you can vacation there.

    That photo at the top of this post is beautiful. Like we were talking about, the ridges just march off into the distance.

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  4. Dick, I believe this is the best advice yet. Thank you! I will be retiring in ten years, and I don't think I can stand to be away from the Smokies that long though! ;o)

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  5. you posted the same time I posted the link to the blog in my group...talk about being in synch!

    Yeah, and I felt like such a heel for posting that when I saw you put it through the group. Sorry for that part of it, but I'm not sorry for what I said. *s*

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  6. Just do what I did -- just move. :D Did you know I just did that? I moved from GA to Colorado (with a daily view of Pikes Peak) all just because I wanted to. Go for it!

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  7. Wow, you're kidding. I need to get over to your blog and find all this stuff out!

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