Sad Day

Today's a sad day for me. BF's mother died last night.

BF is a used-to-be-boyfriend but now we're just friends, but I was really close to her. She's given me her Maltese, Cody, so I'm sure you all will be hearing more about him.

BF's mother, Jill, had brain cancer only they just now found it. And that's what I don't understand. After all the hospitals she had been in and out of for other things, you mean no one picked up on it?

So it's a really sad day. I nursed BF through his father's passing, now I'm having to do the same with his mother's passing.

But what upsets me is Hospice. I wasn't there so I don't know exactly how much pain she was in these last few days but it wasn't but a few weeks ago when she didn't know she had it, she was the fine, or at least she didn't appear to be dying anyway. She wasn't complaining of headaches or anything but she was complaining about losing control of her hand (think that was the first sign or one of many undetected). And they all passed it off as maybe a stroke she had but didn't know she had. Maybe a stroke? Don't you think people know if they have strokes or not? Or do they?

Anyway, Hospice. After she got out of the hospital in Richmond about a week ago where they did a test to see how big the tumor in her brain was (very large and fatal as it turned out), she was sent home to live out the rest of her days. Doctors said she had maybe 4 weeks left.

BF said she was in a lot of pain so Hospice gave her morphine about 8 in the morning day before yesterday, but also doubled up on it. So she's been lying in bed since 8 in the morning 2 days ago. BF took a break to come over here while his two sisters watched over her. She never woke up.

At one point, she made strange breathing noises and the two sisters held hands and said, "Mom, if you want to go to Dad, you can go." Right after they said that, she took a deep breath (still not awake though) and died. Her mouth and eyes opened and that was the last they saw of their mother.

Even though she appeared to be asleep, she heard.

But this Hospice thing...my daughter is a nurse and she says when Hospice is called, it's near the end and they hurry things along sometimes and so giving a woman a double dose of Morphine...isn't that playing God?

Mytle Beach Vacation '09

Okay, okay, stop yelling. I was coming! Would you like to see pictures of our vacation in Myrtle Beach now?

I had never been, never ever. I'd been to Florida so we passed it to our left, but never did we even think about going to Myrtle Beach until someone blogged about it. I must write to the North Carolina tourism people and tell them how valuable blogging is.

So it was BF, his 14-year-old daughter and I. My kids stayed home and watched the doggies (I promised them a trip to the Outer Banks this upcoming week as a matter of fact...always vacationing, that's the way to do it). I had a very relaxing time...spent most of the time in the pool or on the beach. I thought it was kind of strange there wasn't much else to do right there and that you'd have to drive a few miles to see anything, but maybe next time when we have more time.

The hotel was BEAUTIFUL. Here it is right here:


Here it is when you walk across the street:

And here is the back of it:

We were on the sixth floor and if you look directly to the middle, you can see our room. It was a really gorgeous place to stay. Inside (I forgot to take pictures of this), there was an indoor waterpark, slide and everything...I felt like a little kid again!

Now this one above is when you stand on the balcony and look down. I used the zoom on this because it wasn't that close, but you can see how we got to the beach from the hotel. To the left of that wooden walkway were rows of chairs you could sit on but it was too hot. Everyone either was at the beach or in the pool.

This is below our room. If you click on any of the pictures, btw, they'll get larger and you can see them better. This pool was the bomb. What was really neat was all I had to do was look out from the balcony and I could see if there were a million people in there or two or three. The best time to go was 9 a.m. and 9 p.m...barely a soul then, but in the middle of the day, you better be prepared.Get a load of those palm trees!


One of the beach scenes. One thing that is confusing the heck out of me is where was the sea gulls? I'm so used to having sea gulls everywhere, especially at the beach and all I saw was one. Don't know whether it was the fact it was too hot or what but that was really strange. And...no shells...I guess they were there but no good ones. I still loved it, though.


Ahhh, the beach. Nature's playground. Fun in the sun. It was PACKED.

Oh yeah...I'd definitely do it again....

My Grandma Went on Vacation and All She Brought Back Was...

These damn glasses....

Happy 30th Birthday to Melissa

Today is someone's birthday and it wouldn't be right without mentioning her here today. She's someone very, very special to me.

Two weeks ago, I had something happen to me that happens to a lot of people, only it hit me as rather strange. Eye-opening. Intense. Dramatic. Life threatening.

My daughter and I had gone to Ruby Tuesdays for lunch and on the way home, I got excruciating pains and literally passed out right there in the passenger seat. According to the story, I was slumped over in the seat with my eyes open and breathing funny. She thought I had died.

She tried calling 911 but because it was one of those new touch cell phones, she did something wrong. Anyway, the call didn't go through. She said she straddled me and started yelling my name. My eyes at some point started to close and my breathing took on a new slower pattern.

I finally came to and I remember her saying, "You have food poisioning and you're going to the hospital," and all I could think about were new tours going out in 2 days. The last time this happened was about 15 years ago and I ended up in the hospital for a week. No way Jose was I going to let that happen again, I don't care how close to death I am.

I told her to just get me to the bathroom. She helped me up the stairs and into the bathroom on the 2nd floor where it came out of both ends. She then tried to help me to my bedroom on the 3rd floor but we didn't make it past the 3rd step. She put me on the couch in the living room and pretty much the first couple of hours I was there, she kept a vigil on me.

What I didn't know was how upset I had made her.

It's an awful thing to be in the situation where you might even "think" one of your loved ones is dying. I was the first person to see my own mother dead and it has haunted me to this day.

But not only was it a moment in her life that she will never forget, it was also a moment in my life that changed my silly notion that I was invincible and that nothing bad was ever going to happen to me. At least not right now in the prime of my life when everything else seemed to be going great.

How silly of me.

It's times like these that make you realize how fast you can go. I didn't even have time to put my head between my legs - pfff I was out.

But I am here today, alive and kicking, to wish my daughter, Melissa, the happiest 30th birthday ever. She was there for me that day and I know how much I worried her and really hated that that situation ever happened. But maybe sometimes we need reality checks. Maybe we need to see how fragile life is. Maybe we need to see we're not the invincible person we think we are and that shit happens all the time.

To you, Melissa, I wish you the happiest birthday ever.

Thanks for the Memories

All's well again. For now, anyway. My son IM'd me and we got everything out in the open. He did tell me he loved me which meant more to me than anything in the whole wide world.

I'm still recovering from his non-appearance on Easter, but at least I'm able to get some work done now. I played all day yesterday...just couldn't concentrate on a thing. Today, it's work, work, work.

But it was something that dawned on me while we were talking yesterday that really blew me away and something I didn't realize before. All these naggings for my son to get out of the house and do something with his life, or at least SEE life, were fruitless because my son didn't actually realize why he needed this.

Until yesterday and I really think I might have hit home.

I was talking to him about the trip to California - you know, trying to make small talk - and he was kind of hesitant about going...in other words, it was hell no I'm not going sort of thing...and I told him why it was that I was going back in the first place.

I told him how, as a child, the place meant so much to me and I needed to go back to clear up ghosts from the past which were still to this day bothering me, whether I wanted to admit it or not. And, I brought up the Tennessee trip and I told him how if he hadn't gone, he wouldn't have had that memory and I really think I hit home with that. I really don't think he realized that because he forced himself to leave the house to go on the trip with us to the Smokies, he wouldn't have had that memory that no matter how long he lived, he would never forget.

Let me tell you what I saw when we went to the Smokies. I saw someone who barely smiled, not only smile, but laugh again. I saw someone who I never see anymore, lay his head on my shoulder on the way down and keep it there (I cried to myself when he did that). I saw someone who didn't complain about back pain one time throughout the whole trip and we did some walking, too.

I saw the son I used to have and that's the son I want back.

So, I'm thinking, what he needs are more trips like this so that he can have these memories. I'll not be around forever and at least he'll be able to say he did this, did that, with his mother. He'll say it. Maybe not yet, but he'll say it.

My son is not adventurous. His father is not adventurous. But, I am. I want to show my son the world. I want him to see that there's more out there than staring at four walls. I want him to have a life and, by golly, he's going to have that life if it's the very last thing I do on this earth.

He may complain. He may try to back out. But, I'm not going to let him, Marfans or not, I'm not going to let him.

Oh, I've got to write this down for the history book. He told me he loved me. That's twice this year. I'm on a freaking roll.

Tags: boomer chick, California, Tennessee, Smokies, Marfans

Still Not Doing Well

Today's not going so well.

You know how like you envision the whole human population as this one gigantic forest of trees and shit happens, and the trees get cut down one by one, but you're one of the strongest trees because you're sending off these "Don't touch me, dude, or you're going to be wearing that saw up your arse?" kind of vibes and you consider yourself one of the lucky trees because no matter what shit happens, you're still going to be standing...forever and ever...

And then...

They get you.

But, you're not completely down...you're only wounded, but you're not sure if you just want to go down in defeat or mend those broken limbs and limp on through the rest of your life with a broken spirit and deflated heart.

Do you give up in defeat or do you harbor the hurt and the pain the rest of your life?

It's a toss-up.

I woke up crying this morning, but it's not for pity. The tree may be wounded, but she still has pride. Somewhere beneath the bark, there's that strong entity that will show its face as soon as I can get past this hurt and feeling of abandonment.

My son. It's all about my son. Why in the freaking name of Sam do I let him get to me like this?

I don't think he hates me. Sure, he hates BF, but not to the point where he would write me off.

And I don't even think it's that. He and BF have had "moments," but I think he's really over that and, besides, he doesn't even see him anymore, although I'm sure he's not forgotten the quarrel.

I really think it's because when his dad left the family, he went into this thing, not sure what thing, but I'm sure that this "thing" did something to him.

Cripes, he's 23 and that was fourteen years ago, for God's sakes.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this.

But, I cry for my son and I have no idea how to get him back.

I screwed up somewhere, but this old tree is tired of trying to figure it out.

And where in the hell is Spring anyway?

A Sad Easter

I'm kinda sad tonight. And I really know it's no treat to go to someone's blog and it's not all fun, fun, happy, happy, and I really didn't want to post because this isn't fun, fun, happy, happy, but I think if I can get this out in the open and be done with it, I can get past it.

Since the kids were little, I've always tried to make Easter as special as I could. They'd each get Easter baskets, of course, but I'd go the extra mile and give them a few little presents besides. It was usually clothes they could wear to school after spring break, or maybe it was something special that I knew would bring smiles to their faces. No, they weren't spoiled, this was just something I liked doing.

And I'd always have a big feast just as if it were Christmas or Thanksgiving.

Even though my kids are grown now, I still like carrying the tradition. The Easter basket idea has been replaced by a gift certificate to the tanning bed for my daughter and I was planning on taking my son shopping for some new jeans and a shirt either Monday or Tuesday.

And, of course, there would be the big feast - ham, crab cakes (my son's favorite), baked macaroni, baked corn, regular corn (for my son because he hated baked corn), asparagas and potatoe salad. I went all out.

I had even bought my son a couple of chocolate Easter bunnies that was the tradition I have carried on since he was young, and even though he's 23 now, he still looks forward to them (or, at least he humors me).

Dinner was going to be kind of late since my daughter had to go in at 4 and would be off at 8. I figured she would pick up her brother on her way home from work and we could just eat a little later than usual.

I cleaned as if a guest was coming, tearing through the place in record speed while the food is cooking and I'm working on my virtual book tours. Everything was coming together. Or so I thought.

I told my daughter to call her father and tell him the plans so that he could tell my son when he woke up that I had Easter dinner with crab cakes (his favorite) and the whole shebang. She said she would.

Now, keep in mind the last time I saw my son was Christmas...let's see...four months ago. It's not like he's halfway across the world either. He lives about 10 - 15 minutes away with his father right now.

I've blogged about him before, but to refresh your memory, he has Marfans, but to look at him, you would think he was pulling your leg because he looks perfectly normal. He gets tired easily and his back hurts occassionally, but so far, knock on wood, that seems to be the only thing wrong. Yet, he insists on not getting out there and living a normal life, and he puts up a brick wall when you try to talk to him about it. I gave up preaching to him and, to be truthful, I'm at a loss as to what to do anymore.

Well, it got to be 8:00 and no word from my daughter who was supposed to call me when she was to get off work. So, I picked up the phone and dialed my son.

His father answered and got my son on for me.

The conversation went something like this....

"Did Melissa call you?"

"Call me?"

"Yeah, she was supposed to call you to come over for Easter dinner. I'm having crab cakes and macaroni & cheese."

"She didn't call."

Then, I hear him asking his father if she'd called, and then he got back on and said, "Dad's fixing steaks, though."

I feel the lump forming in the base of my throat and my breathing starts accelerating and I'm trying real hard not to cry.

"But, Ryan...it's Easter."

"I didn't even know it was Easter. It's just another holiday."

He's not smart-assy or anything and truly feels bad about it, but when I ask him if he's coming or not, he just says, "I don't know," after sighing like this is the biggest decision he's ever made.

"I'll call you back later," I told him and hung up without even an I love you or anything.

I get up to check on the crabcakes and tears are stinging my eyes. I have waited four months to see him and he disses me again. On Easter. Not that it being a holiday makes a bit of difference, but freaking still.

My daughter calls a few minutes later and I tell her to come on home, that I didn't think Ryan was coming. She calls her father and he really feels bad about it, but he forgot to tell Ryan that she called and that he was "scheduled" to eat Easter dinner with us.

Well, I'm at the point now that there is no point in having a son and being a mother if one of the partners aren't willing.

So here I sit eating crabcakes and macaroni and cheese and thinking where in the hell I went wrong. What's the point in being a mother if you can't BE a mother? I mean, isn't seeing your child one of the dividends?

Life royally freaking sucks right now.