Monday, April 09, 2007

Still Not Doing Well

Today's not going so well.

You know how like you envision the whole human population as this one gigantic forest of trees and shit happens, and the trees get cut down one by one, but you're one of the strongest trees because you're sending off these "Don't touch me, dude, or you're going to be wearing that saw up your arse?" kind of vibes and you consider yourself one of the lucky trees because no matter what shit happens, you're still going to be standing...forever and ever...

And then...

They get you.

But, you're not completely down...you're only wounded, but you're not sure if you just want to go down in defeat or mend those broken limbs and limp on through the rest of your life with a broken spirit and deflated heart.

Do you give up in defeat or do you harbor the hurt and the pain the rest of your life?

It's a toss-up.

I woke up crying this morning, but it's not for pity. The tree may be wounded, but she still has pride. Somewhere beneath the bark, there's that strong entity that will show its face as soon as I can get past this hurt and feeling of abandonment.

My son. It's all about my son. Why in the freaking name of Sam do I let him get to me like this?

I don't think he hates me. Sure, he hates BF, but not to the point where he would write me off.

And I don't even think it's that. He and BF have had "moments," but I think he's really over that and, besides, he doesn't even see him anymore, although I'm sure he's not forgotten the quarrel.

I really think it's because when his dad left the family, he went into this thing, not sure what thing, but I'm sure that this "thing" did something to him.

Cripes, he's 23 and that was fourteen years ago, for God's sakes.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this.

But, I cry for my son and I have no idea how to get him back.

I screwed up somewhere, but this old tree is tired of trying to figure it out.

And where in the hell is Spring anyway?

4 comments:

  1. Dorothy, As in The Giving Tree, one day the boy will come and sit on the stump and tell the tree that he has always loved her and that he always knew he could come home again. If you remember back to your 23 year, you will remember that we did some crazy things also and we turned out okay. Well I did, LOL. He just needs to find himself. BF is not his father and never will be, he may come around or maybe he is just looking a BF thru his eyes and not yours. Give him time, Dot. If he is your son, he will do the right thing. Mikeee

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  2. I guess you're right, Mikeee. It's a sad day, though...can't get a darn thing done. Don't even ask me why I'm doing this, but I'm sending Easter dinner to both him and his father over by my daughter. He was supposed to come over tonight and eat it instead, but I just can't face him right now.

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  3. It kind of sounds to me like the real problem was with your Ex not passing on the message from your daughter. I find it hard to believe that he wouldn't have remembered that when he proposed the steaks for dinner. It is too bad when divorced parents try to manipulate a child against the other parent but there may be a bit of that going on. If so, it probably isn't your son's fault in any way. And as others have said, he is just 23, just starting to find his own way in life and probably will not always make the best choices. But I'll bet he has good feelings for you. Remember the trip to the Smokie's?

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  4. Come to find out, the ex felt bad (or so he says) and my son felt bad about what happened. He IM'd me yesterday so everything is fine...I'll blog about it tomorrow. I did bring up the Smokies trip and I was telling him that we were going to California this year unless something happens and if something happens, we'll go back to Tennessee and he said, "Why are you going there again?" ARGGGG. I know he had a fun time, he knows he had a fun time...he just needs to remember. I told him that that memory will stay with him the rest of his life and that's why he needs to get out of the house once in awhile. I'll blog tomorrow about it, but thanks for your helpfulness, Dick..you are a sweetie. ;o)

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