All's well again. For now, anyway. My son IM'd me and we got everything out in the open. He did tell me he loved me which meant more to me than anything in the whole wide world.
I'm still recovering from his non-appearance on Easter, but at least I'm able to get some work done now. I played all day yesterday...just couldn't concentrate on a thing. Today, it's work, work, work.
But it was something that dawned on me while we were talking yesterday that really blew me away and something I didn't realize before. All these naggings for my son to get out of the house and do something with his life, or at least SEE life, were fruitless because my son didn't actually realize why he needed this.
Until yesterday and I really think I might have hit home.
I was talking to him about the trip to California - you know, trying to make small talk - and he was kind of hesitant about going...in other words, it was hell no I'm not going sort of thing...and I told him why it was that I was going back in the first place.
I told him how, as a child, the place meant so much to me and I needed to go back to clear up ghosts from the past which were still to this day bothering me, whether I wanted to admit it or not. And, I brought up the Tennessee trip and I told him how if he hadn't gone, he wouldn't have had that memory and I really think I hit home with that. I really don't think he realized that because he forced himself to leave the house to go on the trip with us to the Smokies, he wouldn't have had that memory that no matter how long he lived, he would never forget.
Let me tell you what I saw when we went to the Smokies. I saw someone who barely smiled, not only smile, but laugh again. I saw someone who I never see anymore, lay his head on my shoulder on the way down and keep it there (I cried to myself when he did that). I saw someone who didn't complain about back pain one time throughout the whole trip and we did some walking, too.
I saw the son I used to have and that's the son I want back.
So, I'm thinking, what he needs are more trips like this so that he can have these memories. I'll not be around forever and at least he'll be able to say he did this, did that, with his mother. He'll say it. Maybe not yet, but he'll say it.
My son is not adventurous. His father is not adventurous. But, I am. I want to show my son the world. I want him to see that there's more out there than staring at four walls. I want him to have a life and, by golly, he's going to have that life if it's the very last thing I do on this earth.
He may complain. He may try to back out. But, I'm not going to let him, Marfans or not, I'm not going to let him.
Oh, I've got to write this down for the history book. He told me he loved me. That's twice this year. I'm on a freaking roll.
Tags: boomer chick, California, Tennessee, Smokies, Marfans