Strange Encounter of the Santa Kind

When I was a young kid, even after I "found" out on my own about the possibility that there might not be a Santa Claus, my mother, on the other hand, insisted that there was and for many years, I had to pretend just to keep her happy.

This went on until I was a full-fledged teenager.

However, Santa meant that someone would be bringing me whatever my heart desired and there was comfort in that. My step-father was in the army and while I don't remember being poor, I do remember that whatever my heart desired didn't happen and I knew that at least I could count on one person to give it to me, or at least I could wish for it to happen.

Santa was magical back in those days.

I would create long lists to leave out on the coffee table alongside his cookies and milk every Christmas Eve. As we had no chimney for him to climb down, I'd make sure the door was unlocked before I went to bed (thank goodness we didn't have much crime back then).

Even though the kids in the neighborhood insisted there was no Santa, I still believed, for to lose that belief meant that my dream Christmas list was only going to sit on the coffee table and be completely ignored by my parents (who the kids said was the real santa) who only gave me things they thought I needed like things to develop my intelligence instead of fun things like shoe skates and dolls that wet in their pants.

Before Christmas arrived, we heard there was going to be a television show where kids could come on and tell Santa what they wanted. Aha, I said, now's my chance to find out if Santa really existed and, if so, tell him all the things I wanted that year.

When we got to the studio, the line of kids was humongous. I was really young and the crowd intimidated me, not to mention I was about to go on live T.V.

By the time it was my turn to sit on Santa's lap, I froze. The cameras were aimed at me and all of a sudden I found myself sitting on Santa's lap with millions of people watching me and monitoring my every word. For some ungodly reason, my Christmas list disappeared from my memory banks.

"And what do you want Santa to bring you this year?"

I could hear this fat man in the red suit saying something to me and I just sat there with beads of perspiration dripping down onto my frilly little dress that Mama bought me just for the ocassion.

Santa repeated, "Little girl, what would you like Santa to bring you this Christmas?"

I knew I had to say something. His breath was right in my face and the cameras were rolling and my parents and everyone else on God's green earth was staring at me, waiting for me to respond and I thought I was going to die, but somehow, some way, these words came out:

"A baby doll."

Hell, I thought. Well, back then hell wasn't allowed in my vocabulary, but I was thinking it.

It reminded me of that kid in that Christmas movie they play every year when all he wants is this BB gun and the words just wouldn't come out no matter how hard he tried.

Santa smiled and said, "What else would you like?"

"A baby doll."

"Yes, I can see what I can do, but what else would you like?"

"A baby doll."

Santa saw that he was getting nowhere with me, so he nodded, then gave me a candy cane and told me to have a Merry Christmas.

I got out of his lap, took my stroll down the ramp, and fell completely on my toosh in front of everyone. I was humiliated beyond my wildest dreams. In front of millions of people. Completely mortified was a bit of an understatement.

When I got home, I panicked. I had one chance and I blew it. I sulked for days, wondering if there was going to be ONE gift under the tree - a doll baby - and that all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood would be getting so much more and I'd be getting a stupid doll baby because that's all I could muster up the strength to say.

Christmas morning came and I peeked into the living room. My note was gone. The cookies and milk were gone. I crept over to the tree and there was my doll baby. I picked her up and there was a note attached to her little blanket. I read it and it said,

"Here is your Christmas wish. Because you were not selfish, I
decided to give you a bit more than you asked for this year. I only wish
that more kids would follow in your example and I will hope that you can teach
these kids that Christmas is all about the spirit of giving and not
receiving. You have been a good girl and I'll see you next year!
Love, Santa."

I'll never forget that Christmas. Sometimes our gifts in life comes to us whether we ask for them or not. But I learned a lesson that Christmas. Never, ever, ever, let anyone ever, ever, ever talk me into going on T.V. again, no matter what's at stake.

The Christmas Experience

Well, I'm going out tonight to find my dream ornaments and do a little Christmas shopping. Brave soul, aren't I? I could have had it done back in November, but then I'd be missing out on THE EXPERIENCE and I certainly want to be Christmas-politically-correct as I've managed (forced) myself to do over the years.

The experience has come in all sorts of shapes over the years from sheer joy to downright nausea, but I'm happy to say I've lived through fifty of them so far and have come away unscathed. It's a brutal world out there and nothing compares to the Christmas gift-buying season except maybe a nuclear attack. Not that I'd want to find out what that was like.

If I had to narrow it down to which Christmas buying season I liked the best, it would have to be the time when I was living in Ft. Ord, California, and it was Christmas Eve and for some ungodly reason back then it was Christmas-politcally-correct to put the dang tree up on Christmas Eve and not months before like it is custom now.

Well, we're all there, my mother, sister, step-dad and I, and we're putting up the tree in true Americana style and lo and behold my mother shouts, "These lights aren't working!"

She throws the old lights down on the floor and tells me to grab my coat, we're going to the store.

I don't think there were malls back then, and by that time, only one department store was open that late and god help them if they were out of lights.

My step-dad stayed back, watching my sibling, and my mother and I took off on foot across this big field on the way to this store. I'm not sure why we didn't drive; maybe the car was broke down or something. And Lord only help us if someone tried to jump us, but I figure back then it wasn't a problem like it is now.

Well, we take off. The stars are out which helps lead the way. My mother and I trekking across this field of bramble bushes on our way to get these lights before my sibling nodded off.

It was magical.

I'll never forget the peacefulness that overcame me even at seven years old. My mother and I talked about a lot of things, but the one thing that stood up was the fact that she told me I walked like I was pigeon-toed. After she told me that, I made a conscious effort to walk straight, but it didn't work.

But, if you could have been there, it was as if God was leading the way, making sure we accomplished our mission without any harm. It was, after all, Christmas Eve, and even thieves must have been gathered around their own Christmas trees that night because it was only my mother and I. Together. No one else.

I think back to that journey many times over my life. What was it that made that memory stand out and others disappear? Was it the fact it was Christmas Eve and the next day was Christmas, the most joyous of all holidays?

Maybe. But, I think the real answer lies in the fact that on that starry, starry night, the spirits of both my mother and I were in sync. It was a bonding moment and I am so glad I wasn't deprived of this memory.

But, also, I found out when I grew older and had children of my own, most Christmas Eves were spent exhausted, putting together toys, throwing things in stockings and collapsing in bed at 4 a.m. in the morning.

This season I'm going to bring all that back. My kids are older and I don't have to stay up all night putting together toys and stuffing stockings (I buy bags now and have them filled to the brim in appropriate hiding places). Everything is going to be in order and I'm going to take them for a walk under the starry sky and hope I create a memory for them, too.

Blast From My Past - Another Karmic Soul Mate Found!

This is just the most incredible thing. I got home from work tonight and found an email from an internet friend, Kathy Holmes. While I feel she's more than an internet friend, I never would have even guessed what exciting news she had for me, which only goes to prove she's my soul sister for life (that's her and her snazzy red mustang in the picture to the right)!

After reading my post from yesterday in which I told the story of my need to have some closure after my mother's death and coming to terms with never having a "real" family after leaving my homeland, California, she gave me some startling news.

Seems her dad was stationed at Ft. Ord, too, the very place I used to live when I had a "real" family! This has to be over forty years ago!

While this may not seem all that big a deal to anyone else, you have to understand how long I've been looking for my lost family and friends from my homeland, California. As I was a young child when I left, I don't have but first names of people and that led me nowhere. I'd put my old school (Abraham Lincoln Elementary School in Burbank) in Google and try to find out anything about my past and that even turned up fruitless. I'm not even sure why this is all so important to me. Is it my age? Do other boomer chicks find themselves looking up their past like it's so very important to them?

So, anyway, let me tell you how all this ties in with Kathy. It's funny how you can relate to some people and with others there's just nothing there, and then something happens like it did tonight, which leaves you completely dumbfounded.

I never knew Kathy before meeting her in the chick lit group on the internet. For some odd reason, I clicked with her. I knew she came from California, but I didn't think that was it. I knew she and I both wrote hen lit and was encouraging each other all the way, but there was still more that neither her or I really understood. I would joke that she's my soul sister, but I felt that it was because we seemed so alike and, also, I felt like there was some weird spiritual communication with her, as if I have known her all my life.

And, omg, I find out of all the people in the world, and not being able to find one person from my past, I find out that she was at the same army base as I was when we were kids! Did we play with each other? Did we happen to see each other in passing and perhaps smile at each other and then go on our way? And is this why we feel this bond now? It's crazy, isn't it???

Well, I'm just beside myself. I actually have found part of my past. Incredible. Simply incredible. The pieces of the puzzle are slowly coming together.

But, wait, there's more. She was so enthralled by my post yesterday that she wants my story for a book about fatherless daughters. Her agent has given the nod, so she's going to be starting on that in January. And she wants me story. By the way, if anyone has a fatherless daughter experience and wants to share it with her, click here and you can read all about it.

Life is surely incredible, isn't it?

You Can Never Go Home Again...Or Can You?

They say you can never go home again...or can you?

In February, as some of you know, I will be taking a trip to Las Vegas for some kind of promotion thingee that was bestowed on BF from the casino he frequents a little too...uh...frequently.

When he told me about this free trip, I was elated of course, since it means VACATION TIME, but it wasn't until tonight did I realize that even though I've never even been to Las Vegas ever in my lifetime, I will be going home.
You see, as a child, I lived in Burbank, California, and duh me, I didn't realize that Nevada was right next door to my blessed homeland.

But, let me explain a little something to you that I rarely talk about before I get to the point of this post.

When I was seven, my mother married a man named Robert Manders who was stationed in the army. Right after they married, he was given orders to be stationed in Fort Ord, California. My sister, aunt, mother, new step-dad and I drove the 3,000 miles to a place I'd never been before, but was looking forward to it never the less.

For the first time, I was NORMAL. I had a father again, since my own father left me as a baby, and I felt like this was a new beginning as a family - something I'd never had up to that point.

I loved California. There were so many neat things to do and see which was so different from life back on the Eastern Shore of Virginia. But, most of all, I had a family just like everyone else with a mama AND a daddy.

However, as all good things come to an end, they didn't get along and separated three years later. I was taken by my aunt by train back to the Eastern Shore to live with my grandmother, which I did until the eleventh grade when my mother came back home and I lived with her for a year before she died.

For all the years since that tragic day when I had to leave my homeland, I've always had a secret desire to go back. Actually, it was more than that...

California represented family to me, something that was stolen from me and I knew I'd never get it back. It was like it represented a time in my life when my mother was alive and we were doing all sorts of fun things and I can't even remember a time in my life when I was so happy. I had it all. And then, in the dark of the night, my aunt whisks my sister and I off to live with my grandmother in Virginia. It was like my life ended.

I sunk into a shell afterwards. I lost everything. I lost my possessions, my mother, my life as part of a real family.

When I was in the eleventh grade, my mother came back home. She had remarried and rented the house next door to my grandmother and I moved in with her.

About that time, I met my husband and we married. One month later, I found my mother dead in her bedroom. I screamed and ran next door to my grandmother who called the ambulance.

We never found out why my mother died. My step-father was nowhere to be found and we suspected him of being involved, but it was never proven. Her death certificate said that she died of heart implications, but the coroner told us otherwise. He said that there was carbon minoxide found in her system and we never found out how it got there.

The years passed and I grieved for my mother. Holidays and birthdays were never the same. Instead of being happy, I was depressed on those days because of some unknown psychosis I suppose, but I knew why. Those days represented family, something that was stripped away from me at the age of ten. And, of course, there was the death of my mother which I never came to terms with.

When we initially made that trip to California, my step-father took a picture of my mother, sister, aunt and I standing in front of the California state sign. I saw that picture every now in then throughout my youth and marveled at how happy I looked in the picture. In fact, we all looked happy. We were on our way to a new home with new adventures...as a family.

Over the years, my aunt died and she took along with her that picture for I have yet to find it again. That picture symbolized so much and just like my mother's passing, it disappeared, too, leaving me empty inside.

When I found out about this trip to Vegas, I did a random search on the internet to see just where exactly it was. I thought it was more in the middle of the U.S., but you should have seen my expression when I found out where it really was.

Forty-five minutes from that same "Welcome to California" sign. It might not be the same exact sign, but it is in the exact same area.

I need to go there. I need to cross that border and have my picture taken underneath the sign. No, it will not be the same and no, it will not bring my mother back, but then again, will it?

Will she be standing there beside me, grinning that Marilyn Monroe sexy grin like she used to do? Will she reach over and put my hair behind my ears that irritated me so much as a child? Will she finally have a chance to tell me that she's okay and that I can relieve myself of the demons that have haunted me for the thirty years since she died?

I will get that chance to find out. It's my only chance and maybe my last chance. I need that picture more than life itself and I will get it.

For, standing there at the California border, I will have come home again.

*Note: This picture was grabbed off the internet and I hope the owner forgives me for borrowing it. It is where I need to go. To find that picture of my mother and I standing at the California border forty-four years ago. I need it to clear up the demons that have haunted me all my life and to prove to myself that you really can go home again.

Barbie Faces Mid-Life Crisis

Well, honey, aren't we all? *grin*

In looking for dolls to resemble the characters in a book I've written, I came across a tidbit of information that you might find interesting or totally boring.

Barbie, the epitome of everyone's childhood, is facing a huge slump in sales. Seems there's too much competition because of something called a Bratz doll? I went searching for a Bratz doll and this is what they look like if you don't know either.



Oh, okay. I see the fascination. Hipper. Chicker.

Well, it seems the Bratz dolls are giving Barbie a run for their money and the bigwigs at Mattel are sweating their darling little heads off. They tried running some kind of storybook Barbies which went over well with the real young set, but bombed with the nine-year-old and up crowd.

But, let's look at the real picture. Barbie is getting on in years. It isn't but so many romps with Ken left in her and there's always going to be something new and improved which is going to make anything old seem, well, less than attractive.

WAIT A GOLDARN MINUTE HERE.

Do you hear what has come out of my mouth?

Does that mean that Barbie, the queen doll of all dolls, isn't worthy just because she's...er...OLD?

Okay, the bigwigs at Mattel need to come up with an idea and I just might have the answer.

Turn Barbie ELECTRONIC.

Make her dance on the little Barbie tables while singing the national anthem.

With a click of a switch under her foot, turn her into an iPod and it'll be on every child's Christmas wish list this year.

Instead of boobs, under her shirt she can have a mini boombox complete with stereo sound and Gameboy capabilities.

Twist her arm a certain way and out of her mouth, she can recite all the answers to any tests any teacher gives you.

Part her hair a certain way and mini strobe lights can dance on the ceiling and the colors representing whether there is any artificial intelligence in the room or anywhere in the galaxy.

Hit the remote that is cleverly disguised as sunglasses and you can instruct her to cook a full course meal, give the kids their bath and make love to your significant other while you catch up on all those television shows you never could watch because there just wasn't enough time.

Oh, the possibilities are endless!

My question is...why hasn't Mattel thought of that?

I'm Going to Vegas!!!

Omg...my dream tree is already working! No sooner did the tree and the lights go up - and the ocassional ornament, not too many because I'm saving it for my "dream" ornaments - I get the fantastic news. I'm going to Las Vegas!!!

(picture to the right is where we're staying)

Jeez, I'm still hyperventilating, which isn't real good for a boomer chick, is it?

I'm telling you, you really need to get a dream tree...it performs miracles! Okay, I'm spacey, but, if you've been reading the last few posts in my blog, I've put up a new Christmas tree this year - deeming it the dream tree and I'm going to adorn it with ornaments reflecting what I'd like to accomplish in the upcoming year. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd get a Vegas vacation out of it and it's ABSOLUTELY FREE.

BF won this free trip thingee through one of the casinos he frequents. Everything is free - plane tickets, hotel..man, it's unbelievable. It's not until February, thank goodness, because I have no clothes! With Christmas right around the corner, buying for myself is unthinkable, so if anyone wants to buy me a present, I could use about five pairs of jeans, maybe two or three new t-shirts and about six pairs of new Victoria Secret panties. I think I can handle the rest. Omg...I need another suitcase to lug all this stuff out there because it's for six glorious days and god knows if they have a washer and dryer on the premises. Probably. Omg...I need a laptop. How can I check email and everyone's blogs without one????

One thought does scare me, though. Ever since 911, going by airplane ANYWHERE scares the shit right out of me, soooooo...don't know how I'm going to handle that one. And what do you do on a plane for THREE hours, will someone please tell me?

I remember the last airplane ride. Eighteen years old. BY MYSELF. Some jerk old fart beside me tried to hit on me. Nice. Not.

Anyway, been too excited to get anything written. Barely have answered email. I'm just so freaking excited. I did think of another ebook I'm going to put together and sell on my site. If I can just calm down for two seconds enough to get some thoughts down.

And...it's been two weeks and one day since I sent my hen lit to DREAM AGENT. Not that she's even going to accept it. She's that huge. Would be nice, though. That's the first ornament I'm buying! Something to do with travel, since my book is about this cross country trip. And the characters do it in a psychedelic RV. So, hm. Anyone know where I can find a psychedelic RV Christmas ornament? That ought to be reeeeal easy to find, you think?

It's Official - Christmas Buying Season Has Begun!

It's official. Black Friday is here which symbolizes the beginning of the Christmas buying frenzy. Are you out there? Not me. Only because I have to work, but I'd love to see it in action.

However, instead of camping out in a tent in front of a department store, I'm in the comfort of my own home doing most of my shopping online. But, there are great bargains out there if you're willing to brave the elements and those loooong lines, not to mention frenzied shoppers wall to wall.

Great savings on electronics and toys seems to be what's on most of these buyer's lists. Since my kids are grown, there's no need for toys and Amazon is having a great electronics sale, so I'll be doing some of my shopping there. In the comfort of my own home.

According to a news release today, Walmart is planning a different strategy. Instead of focusing on Black Friday, they will be having their sales throughout the month of December because according to last year's statistics, the Saturday before Christmas outdid Black Friday in sales by a landslide. I know. I was there. And so was a million other last minute shoppers.

So, did anyone partake of any of the bargains today? What did you buy and were there mobs of people? Who had the most bargains?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

Turkey Day is finally here! I've got my greens soaking in the bathtub, waiting to go in the pot, and my turkey is just about ready to go in the cooker. We're having a late dinner because the kids are eating at their father's first and well, my dinner won't be ready until tonight anyway.

We're having a special Thanksgiving here at my house anyway. As soon as the kids get back from their father's, we're going to put up the Christmas tree! Yes, I got my DREAM tree! For those that didn't read my last blog post, I decided that this year was going to be the year when everyone's dreams come true and that I was going to buy a new tree to symbolize a new beginning! But, what makes it a dream tree is because we're all going out and buying a special ornament to symbolize what we would like our dreams to be. For my daughter, I suppose she'll buy a nurse ornament to hopefully give her that nudge to graduate in September. As for me, I need two of them. One to symbolize my hen lit that PLEASE IF YOU ARE A PUBLISHER THIS BOOK WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF...heh...sorry... a little personal dream of mine...and then the second to symbolize my new soul mate book I've been working on and is just about finished. I don't ask for much out of life and I know these are material things but hey it's my dream...lol.

I of course wish for health and happiness and maybe a special ornament is in store just in case. Wouldn't want to jinx things.

I hope you and yours are having a special Thanksgiving, too, and that you achieve your wildest dreams in the upcoming year!

The Dream Tree

Is there anyone out there in Blogland that is just dying to get out there and do some serious Christmas shopping?

WHAT? HAS SHE GONE MAD?

Oh, don't get your panties in a bind. I'm serious. This year is the first year in ages that I'm really in the Christmas spirit. And I'm going to do something totally different this year.

I'm going to buy a new tree.

Yep, but it's not because our old tree can't hold up another year and it's not that I have millions of extra dollars and can afford it. It's a symbol and I'll tell you why.

My daughter came out into the living room tonight where I was playing in email and she plopped down on the sofa.

"This is going to be the worse Christmas ever," she said. "I don't have any money at all and I just wish it would never get here."

I listened to her complain about having one night at work because of going to nursing school and how upset she was that she could barely give me or the rest of the family anything for Christmas, which was quite the opposite of past years. This is a girl that no matter what, there'd be presents up the ying-yang for me under the tree. I'm not one that needs presents, but she's one who feels the need to give them.

After she was finished, I said, "You know, this is the way I'd like Christmas to be. I don't want it to be about gifts. I want it to be about being together. I think that the upcoming year is going to be an exciting one, filled with surprises that will show us all our hard work is going to pay off. This new year coming up is a new beginning for all of us. And...for starters, I'm buying a new Christmas tree."

"A new Christmas tree?" she asked. "Why when we have a perfectly good one up in the attic?"

"The old tree symbolized our old lives," I explained. "I bought that the year just before your dad left us. We've carried that tree around for years, living from one house to another. We've been living here for ten years and things have gone from bearable to simply fantastic as each year goes by and I want a new tree to celebrate our new beginning because I have a feeling that this upcoming year is going to be the year to remember."

I could tell she knew what I was talking about. Next year, she graduates nursing school (her dream) and I WILL get my subsequent books published (my dream). So, this new tree is going to be called The Dream Tree. By the time it is one year old, everyone will have achieved their wildest dreams.

Anyway, she seemed happier after my speech and went back to her room to study and I turned back around and started pounding away on the keyboard.

These are the kind of dreams that turn into realities - confidence that what you are doing is going to happen.

No More Merry Christmas?

I have a baaaaaad cold. Just when I thought that having a sore throat and congested head for three days, I had finally licked it, I got up this morning at SIX A.M. sneezing my fool head off. And what happened to that nice weather we we were having? Brrrrr.....

After a few days hiatus from working on the soul mate book, I tried going back in it last night. I'm afraid it's something about having a head full of mucous and finding your muse you had only a week ago that doesn't mix. I'm hoping the muse will find its way out soon because I'd sure like to get this baby finished.

Now, the main purpose of writing this blog this morning...last night, I was waiting on an older couple and the woman told me something that really confuses the heck out of me. She said that it is now against the law for store clerks, what not, to say "Merry Christmas" to customers. Okay. Something about offending some ungodly person out there that doesn't believe in Christmas. I have never heard of such a thing. I am not Jewish but if someone were to say Happy Hannuka (probably bad spelling...remember...head cold), would I get offended? Why? It's another holiday just like Christmas, isn't it?

I don't know what's wrong with the world today and my head is too stuffed to really try to find the answer. First they mess with the pledge of allegiance, now they're messing with one of my favorite holidays, Christmas. I'm wondering if one day, it'll be against the law for someone to wear a red suit and ring a bell collecting money for Unicef? And how about Easter? Can we not say Happy Easter anymore either?

Can someone please tell me who we are offending anyway?

Ah well...guess I'll try going back to bed and imagine a world that used to be....night...oops...morning....