It's Finally Christmas

It's 1 a.m., Christmas has arrived, and I'm sitting here kind of sad. Or, maybe it's just exhaustion.

We had a little get together tonight with dip, chips, cheese ball and crackers, and I made some sweet and sour meatballs. My daughter bought a bottle of wine and we watched "Surviving Christmas" on DVD.

But, something was really missing.

My son, who lives with his father, is really sick and couldn't be here tonight.

His father said he has been in bed, and getting up just to throw up.

My heart so cries for him.

When he was a little boy (he's 23 now), I nursed him through whatever ailment he had. I'd sit by his bed, rub his forehead, and help him get through it.

I think why it's really affecting me right now is I'm having a mental picture of this and want to go to him so bad. But, it's hard.

His father and I have been apart for about 15 years now, and I still feel uncomfortable around him. I think it might have to do with how much he hated me toward the end of our marriage, which carried over for years and years, and to this day, I'm not sure how or what he feels.

The reason for our separation is that he found someone else, so it's not like it was of my doing.

I guess love took another turn for him.

Reminded me of this old movie I was watching tonight, "When Harry Met Sallie," and Sallie is sitting on her bed crying because her ex announced he was getting married. She's sobbing all over Harry, who is sitting there looking real sympathetic, and truly listening to her, and he turns to her and says, "If you could, would you go back with him?"

Immediately, Sally replies, "No!" and then says, "I thought she was supposed to be a transitional, not THE ONE! What's wrong with ME?"

Been there, Sallie.

Ahhh...holidays makes you wistful.

I don't even know why I'm talking about this. I should be in bed anyway.

My daughter and I were coming back from shopping today, and I have no idea why I even brought it up, but I told her that when I married her father, I knew it would last forever. And then, I said, "I'll never marry again. I would never go back with him, but he's your father and I still care about him, no matter what, and I think that's why I have resolved to never marrying again."

She didn't say anything...she didn't have to.

She and her brother would love it if we got back together, but they know, and I've said it a million times, I just can't because it would bring up all those bad times and I've gone beyond that. The years following his departure is what I call my "black period" which took ten years to heal. No, no, I'm above all that. I'm happy now...happy, you hear me?

Silly stuff I'm thinking about this early Christmas morning, but I so miss my son. He's sick and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

It's quiet in the house now. My daughter has gone on to bed after wishing me a Merry Christmas. BF has gone to bed, too. No one up but me and my thoughts and they're driving me crazy. Haven't slept much the last few nights with preparing for Christmas, but I'm glad it's almost over.

I think I just need to go to bed. Night, everyone, and may your Christmas be filled with joy and laughter. They once were for me. A long, long time ago.