WANT AD: LOOKING FOR DREAM LITERARY AGENT

I admit it, not only have I gone over the edge, but I'm obsessed.

Yesterday, I received a rejection from Dream Agent #1.

Okay, so I've decided I'm not going to hang myself or throw the idea of getting a literary agent that will get me a major deal at some hot shot NY publishing house out the window as I was thinking about doing yesterday, so I have another strategy that will either get me strange looks or will get me that star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

So here's Strategy #1:

I'm going to put out a plea to agents out there in Agent Land to please give my book a chance. It's a cool little book really about three women who have turned the big 5-0 and travel across country to attend their thirtieth high school reunion. Only, it's not all fluff. There's also suspense and a little eye-opening revelation about what it's really like to be over the hill approaching the last years of life when you thought that those last years meant sitting on that rocker on the front porch, sipping elderberry tea while watching the grandkids tear up your rose garden...

Okay, if you're interested so far, here's a few prerequisites that must be adhered to...

1.) You have to looooove my book.

2.) You have to get me an advance that will make me set for life.

3.) You have to get me a publisher that will do all the promoting while I sweetly smile for the cameras as paparazzi hound me while I'm sitting butt naked in my hot tub in Beverly Hills.

4.) You must get me a movie offer. Okay, now this is set in stone. You must have Meg Ryan as the leading actress. I know, I know, that might be a little tricky, but Meg would love the part as Celia Fields Gladstone. Believe me.

5.) The pig must be white. I know how you publishers are and you like to change things, but Fluffy must be white. Any other color would clash with her red hat.

6.) Oh yeah, I must have that star on the Walk of Fame once you get all that publishing stuff out of the way. Beg, borrow and steal if you have to. I won't tell. Promise.

7.) Very important...it must be in the contract that I get a full-length billboard with me and my book in Times Square. No little itty bitty sign on the back end of a Trailways.

8.) Royalties. This is negotiable as I know publishers must pay for those condos in Miami, but I do insist that they come on time. No diddley-daddling. My hot tub is going to be very expensive, not to mention all the traveling I'm going to have to do to visit the homeless, feed the poor and pay for those designer hats for Fluffy.

9.) As MY agent, you must answer my phone calls even if it's in the middle of the night and I'm drunker than hell.

10.) And ten, you must not fold up your business and join the Peace Corps right in the middle of my fantastic publishing adventure. This is a big no no. I will really find that rope and hang myself then. After I hang you first.

Well, I guess that's about it. Anyone interested, please email me at thewriterslife@yahoo.com. I'm available 24/7. Oops, forgot to mention. If I don't get back to you right away, don't worry. I'm just getting myself psyched for the next rejection.