Sunday, February 05, 2006

Finding My Father - Part VI - The Euphoria Takes a Nosedive

My new aunt has made contact. My father knows.

I received an email this morning from Aunt Carmen. My father knows that I have surfaced and have been asking to meet him. I know it's silly and premature, but I already feel jilted. Abandoned again. Shot down before I even had a chance to aim.

Aunt Carmen wrote,

"We did talk to Ernest about you and he does know
of you but with him not being well we did not push the
first time. Charlotte is very nice but also very
protective for herself and her own family. I make a
promise to talk to your other siblings this week and tell them about
you. they will be easier to reach and get to know."

Is Charlotte going to let me even get close enough to see him for the first time? This isn't freaking fair.

She goes on to write,

"I did not understand some people that do not seem to automatically reach
out to family, but God did not make me for this world to understand
that. I only need to be the instrument in the meeting. In either case we
are your family and we love you and Preston wants to meet you and is
excited about your coming to casa sporrans, the House of Hope in Spanish.
"

The House of Hope is the mission where Aunt Carmen helps migrant workers in the area. The Eastern Shore is mainly low-income and migrants make up a certain percentage of the population. More and more, they are not just migrating here, but living here permanently. However, they are finding that even with the generosity of people like Aunt Carmen, the wintertime can be dreadfully barren.

I do agree with something she said. She said that she couldn't understand why some people do not automatically reach out to family. This is the way of the world, isn't it? Or, at least in my background. People will reach out to you only if there's something in it for them. I say let's bring back the Waltons.

Preston is my uncle, btw. I've not met him yet, but I believe her in that he wants to meet me. In time...in time.

She goes on to write,

"..the brother, Tommy, did say that your grandparents never
wanted anything to do with this family and that out the
ax on the whole thing at the very beginning.
he does not know why. we will
try to get that out of Ernest one day. I would like to be able to
talk to him alone but that is near impossible."

Okay, this part is coming back. My grandparents never had anything nice to say about my father, but I'm not quite sure why there was this hostility. He did leave, I have found out that much by studying the divorce papers the other night. But, I'm thinking my father's mother had something to do with it, also. But why did they separate my father and I? Why didn't they allow me to at least see him? Did he not want to?

She ends her email with:

"I know you are wanting to meet him and we will try to make it
happen. Ernest has not told us no and that is good."

At first, I read that to say he doesn't want to make it happen and I sat there, tears forming and falling onto the keyboard, which is a big no-no but I didn't care at that point. I reread her email and cleared it up. I'm thinking that he's thinking everything over. This must be a shock to him. At least he did let her know that he knows who she is talking about so maybe he at least didn't forget. But, why didn't he try to contact me? What is it with men who father babies and just forget them?

Makes me ever-loving mad.

7 comments:

  1. Oh, Dorothy, I am so sorry to hear that it doesn't sound as if your father wants to meet you. Although, it may be a bit of a bolt out of the blue for him right now and might be forcing him to face up to things that he thought were in the past. It does sound though as if some of the family are looking forward to meeting you. So for time being, I would cling to that. Who knows, if he gets to hear about you via them, in time he might want to meet you for himself.

    I feel your pain as I have had something similar happen to me with my father. My parents divorced when I was in my late teens and things were difficult between myself and my father. A few years ago, I bumped into him with my two young children in a cafe in town. He promised to come to visit me over Christmas. I got all excited and went out and bought him a Christmas present [btw, he never buys me or my children any presents at all], I wrapped it and put it under the tree with the rest of the Christmas presents. Christmas came and went and he never showed up. It was still under the tree in January, a sad reminder of how he let me down again.

    After shedding some tears, I unwrapped it and put it away.

    Following that incident, I decided that over the years I have given him the opportunity to be a part of my life, but he's never taken me up on it. Not long afterwards, I heard a well-known radio agony aunt, Anna Raeburn, talk to someone whose mother didn't really want to know them. Anna's reply was: "You can't make someone want to be a part of your life. You have your own close family, give your love to them."

    That was the turning point for me. I have seen my father since, if I bump into him town, I'm polite and might chat, but I have accepted that he's not going to be part of my life, but that was his own choice, not mine.

    If things don't work out for you as you wish, I hope you will find some way to come to terms with all of this as it will surely have opened old wounds for you. Perhaps this is something you need to go through to heal inside.

    Hugs,

    Lynette

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, your words moved me, Lynette...thank you so much. Opening old wounds...hmm...when you open old wounds, it hurts, but then forces us to heal, doesn't it? When we have healed, everything is back to normal and good just as it should be. Interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dorothy, you dear sweet thing you... even if Dad never comes around, it sounds that you have found an absolute treasure in Carmen.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I believe you are right, Cheryl...;o)

    ReplyDelete
  5. It took my father 2 months to contact me after he knew I was looking for him. You have to put yourself in his shoes - and then you'll feel better. He eventually came around and we met and have kept in contact ever since - although never as often as I would like. :) I mean, how do you ever make up for an entire lifetime without your father? You can't but you can know that somewhere in his heart he does love you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm coming in late here but I found your story through Hildebrand Road and find it very interesting. I had to read each entry...I just couldn't stop.

    Have you published this bio? I would like to read the rest of it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. No, afraid I haven't finished it. My dad for some odd reason doesn't want to contact me. He's old and I presume that he thinks his heart can't take it. Well, my heart can't take it either.

    I am going to be continuing with this. Hopefully, there will be a happy ending. ;o)

    ReplyDelete