Monday, February 6, 2006

Finding My Father - Part VII - Opening Old Wounds

Lynette ( made an interesting comment on my blog today. She said:

"Oh, Dorothy, I am so sorry to hear that it doesn't sound as if your father
wants to meet you. Although, it may be a bit of a bolt out of the blue for him
right now and might be forcing him to face up to things that he thought were in
the past. It does sound though as if some of the family are looking forward to
meeting you. So for time being, I would cling to that. Who knows, if he gets to
hear about you via them, in time he might want to meet you for himself.

I feel your pain as I have had something similar happen to me with my
father. My parents divorced when I was in my late teens and things were
difficult between myself and my father. A few years ago, I bumped into him with
my two young children in a cafe in town. He promised to come to visit me over
Christmas. I got all excited and went out and bought him a Christmas present
[btw, he never buys me or my children any presents at all], I wrapped it and put
it under the tree with the rest of the Christmas presents. Christmas came and
went and he never showed up. It was still under the tree in January, a sad
reminder of how he let me down again.

After shedding some tears, I unwrapped it and put it away.

Following that incident, I decided that over the years I have given him the
opportunity to be a part of my life, but he's never taken me up on it. Not long
afterwards, I heard a well-known radio agony aunt, Anna Raeburn, talk to someone
whose mother didn't really want to know them. Anna's reply was: "You can't make
someone want to be a part of your life. You have your own close family, give
your love to them."

That was the turning point for me. I have seen my father since, if I bump
into him town, I'm polite and might chat, but I have accepted that he's not
going to be part of my life, but that was his own choice, not mine.

If things don't work out for you as you wish, I hope you will find some way
to come to terms with all of this as it will surely have opened old wounds for
you. Perhaps this is something you need to go through to heal inside.



I responded with:

"Wow, your words moved me, Lynette...thank you so much. Opening old
wounds...hmm...when you open old wounds, it hurts, but then forces us to heal,
doesn't it? When we have healed, everything is back to normal and good just as
it should be. Interesting."

Interesting thing, old wounds.

It’s those old wounds that have lain dormant in my body for fifty-two years. Now that the wound has been opened, can I force it to go back to its hibernation stage?

Or, should I take care of it, nurture it, heal it?

There are some things we cannot take care of. However, mind control is powerful. If I ignore it, it’s not there.

But, I don’t think I can do that. I do think I can control my emotions as long as I know not to get my hopes all bent out of shape and concentrate on what else is going on in my life.

My books. My family. Two things that have been neglected since all this happened.

The pictures of my father still sit beside me. I have not put them in frames and I do not want to just yet. I do not want a constant reminder that it takes time for someone to meet the child they had abandoned.

And, I do not want to fantasize a person into someone he's not. Not yet.


  1. Aw, I certainly feel for you. I know how it feels to be rejected or pushed away. Although in my case it wasn't by a parent, but it still hurts all the same. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers that everything WILL work out.

  2. Healing comes from letting the pain out. Repressing it doesn't work - it'll show itself in some other way and make it worse. Believe me, I've been there. This story isn't over yet. And there's a lot of good to come from this.

  3. {{{Hugs Dorothy}}} I know all about family old wounds. When my father died, his side of the family showed their true colors. I've since gotten over it, but that's only because I live far away. If I were faced with seeing them again, God only knows how I'd feel or react.


  4. Yeah, what's up with that when a family member dies and everyone suddenly turns into your ememy? Been there, done that.

  5. I don't have time to read this whole search right now, but I will come back and do so when I can. But I don't even have a picture of my father as he took every last one with him, three days before I was born. I did find him and called, but after being chatted up I was almost embarrassed to admit who I was. Not that it mattered, he told me to leave him alone, and I have. In my case, he was never fit to deserve the title of father.

    I hope you have a happier ending.

  6. Ohhh...Jona, this was the comment you were talking about. I'm so sorry hon. Who knows..I'll probably end up in the same boat. But, you know what? He did it to me the first time and I'll be damn if he'll do it to me the second. I just don't understand things I guess.


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