Monday, October 24, 2005

How NOT to Hook Your Soul Mate

Soul mates are born; they are not made. The spark is either there or it isn't. With that in mind, let me tell you of an experience I had in trying to bond with my now ex-husband twenty-five years ago.

Somebody asked me the other day about soul mates as I have compiled a whole book of soul mate stories. She asked me why wasn’t my ex-husband still my soul mate when all the signs pointed in that direction? I was totally in love with him, as he was with me. Why, I even gave him a leopard-skinned toilet seat cover on our first Christmas together. If that isn't true love, then I don't know what is.

However, some things are meant to be and some aren't as things went progressively downhill after that.

That next spring, when the weather had warmed and I was dying to get out into the fresh air and commune with my fellow nature buddies, I begged my new husband to teach me how to fish, as this was his passion and I knew to make a marriage work, you had to bond. He hesitated at first; but as all husbands do at one point or another, he gave in to my nagging - errrr - persistance.

We loaded the fishing rods and tackle into the car and headed down to Pleasure Pond. The sun was lingering over the horizon and the frogs were in full serenade as we pulled the boat off the top of the car and loaded our gear into the boat.

It was a perfect evening. Now was my chance to make it memorable.

Because I turned my nose up at putting those slithering ugly parasites, also called bait, on my hook, my husband did this for me. He knew if he didn’t, we’d still be sitting there until the cows came home.

Boones Farm was passed back and forth as the boat rocked us into paradise. We laughed, we sang, we felt good. All was well in Marriage Land. We definitely had the bonding thing going on.

My husband threw his line over and waited. As this was fresh-water fishing, he told me you do not reel it in, but leave it out with that little bobber thing floating at the top. He told me that when the bobber went under, we had hooked one. This was a piece of cake.

More Boones Farm was passed and I was feeling mighty good.

I told him to bait one for me and let me try.

He baited my hook and I prepared to throw it in. However, it wouldn’t budge. In my backwards throw to gain distance in my forwards throw, I had hooked something. I turned around and saw my catch.

I had hooked my husband in the head.

Now, because I also had the Boones Farm thing going on, I broke out in hysterics.

The boat rocked to and fro and nearly threw me out. As I swayed from one end of the boat to another, I could not contain myself to realize the importance of this situation.

My husband pulled on the hook, but it wouldn’t budge. I tried to hold back laughter and proceeded to pull the dang thing out myself. That bugger was there for life.

My husband did not see the humor in all this and called off our night of bonding and rowed back to shore with the hook dangling from his head.

We got back to the car and I tried as hard as I could to look out the window and remain serious. My curiosity got the best of me and I glanced at my husband who was trying to drive pass laughing motorists with this hook dangling from his head. He tried to pretend the thing wasn’t there; but you couldn’t help to notice. Tears were coming from my eyes (from laughter) as I tried to ignore the blood dripping onto his chest.

We got back to the house and his father assessed the situation. A hospital trip was not necessary as he pulled a pair of pliers out of his toolbox and yanked the hook out with one horrendous jerk. With my husband grimacing in pain, I felt bad as being the one who caused this mishap. I tried to make it up to him a week later by suggesting another fishing trip. He said a few words I can’t put in this article and hid his fishing gear.

I never once brought up fishing after that day. Our marriage slowly went downhill after that. Even the leopard-skin toilet seat cover couldn’t save things.

I wonder now when I tell people this story that they will not take me fishing. I mean, what better way to learn how to know if your soul mate is really your soul mate by hooking him in the head?

4 comments:

  1. boones drink will make a real mess of you. the guys were drinking that last year when they mde fun of me. for sure that boones had something to do with it. this soul mate question meaves me in suspense. who's my soul mate? keep up the good posts.

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  2. Boones Farm "Tickle Me Pink". Now THERE was some dangerous stuff..
    Too cute :)

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  3. I'm laughing because I can see this whole thing playing out. Laughing at a guy when he is oozing blood won't win you any favors, you know. ;-)

    I was actually going to write about an *incident* from high school involving a friend and a fish hook. Methinks I will postpone it for a while now.

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  4. Dorothy - you are a born storyteller. You've got to capture these stories and publish them.

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