When Taking a Dump, Watch Out For Falling Objects

This story I'm about to tell you is true. It's not for the squeemish or the fleety. And it happened right in my own back yard. Before I even had a chance to have a cup of coffee.

Let me start at the humble beginning...

This morning, I was getting ready for work and was in the shower when I heard my daughter banging on the door. I told her to come on in, but she must not have heard me.

I hurriedly got out, knowing that she had to be to work, too, and that was the reason she was banging on my door - telling me to hurry up.

I left the bathroom, went in my bedroom and started drying my hair.

My daughter peeked in and said when I was finished, to come in her bedroom, that she had something important to tell me. The look on her face told me that it was mighty darn important, so I finished up and went in her room to see what the matter was.

"Mom, close the door," she said.

I closed the door and said, "What is it?"

"Well, you were in the bathroom and I needed to go real real bad, so I went outside."

Now, this is someone who is so particular about her hygiene that going to the bathroom outside was the unthinkable, but I figured she had to go pretty bad.

She said, "Well, while I was out there, doing it, I saw something white fall out of the sky."

"Something white?"

"Yeah, it scared the crap out of me and then when I went over to see what it was, I couldn't believe it."

"Well, what was it?"

"A chicken head."

"A chicken head?"

"Yeah, with a red thing on the top of its head like a rooster would have." She was shaking.

Well, as you know, Halloween is right around the corner and the first thing that came to me was that someone planted this in the tree and it fell at just about the right time. I knew there was a reason the dogs were barking last night!

I remember one Halloween one of my cats disappeared and came back with all of the fur gone from its tail, thinking that someone had used my cat for some kind of ungodly ritual. I had to take the poor thing to the vet to have the tailbone cut off. That's a Halloween I'll never forget.

So...I'm thinking...who in their right mind would plant a chicken head in my tree last night? Aren't there enough sick people out there without one more?

I'm shaking myself and go back in my room and wake BF up.

I said, "You won't believe what Melissa said fell out of the tree when she was taking a dump outside!"

"Melissa fell out of a tree?" he said, groggily.

"No, silly! A freaking chicken head fell out of a tree!"

After I explained what happened, you could of heard him laughing all the way to California.

"A seagull probably dropped it. Now let me go back to sleep."

O...kay, we do have a chicken rendering plant across the street and have seagulls everywhere, so I guess our Halloween mystery is solved.

The moral of the story is, my children, whenever you go outside to take a dump, make sure there's no low-flying chicken-head-carrying seagulls above. Or, better yet, don't live across the street from a chicken rendering plant or anywhere near seagulls. You just never know what may hit you while you're trying to do your business.